This is a book review I did three years ago, but it is a good reread. Enjoy!
Your relationships with people in your personal life and in your office can be a source of renewal and/or incredible drain depending upon how functional they are. Great relationship skills lead to good business partnerships, great teams and long lasting practice members. First, let me say that no matter how bad things are, they can get better. People come to our offices after years of bad habits and neglect and think their fate is sealed. This is no more true than you thinking that ANY relationship in your life is doomed or impossible. These dynamic systems respond to healing input. So let’s begin….. My intention in doing book synopses is to help the time-starved chiropractor get information to live the life they love. I also hope to inspire you to follow up on the things that most resonate with you or direct you to the tools you need to get your next level.
The Ultimate Relationship Program
by Anthony Robbins and Cloe Madanes
Tony begins with:
Seven Master Skills
- Heartfelt Understanding. So often we are in our heads, our agendas, our obligations, our distractions and addictions. If you feel irritated, annoyed, neglected, etc., then stop. Breathe for a few minutes into your heart. Bring your attention into your heart. Listen, talk and act from there.
- Give The Other Person What THEY Really Need. In one of the early Simpson’s episodes, Homer gave Marge a bowling ball that had HIS monogram on it. Extreme example, but think of treating others as THEY would like to be treated.
- Create and Build Trust and Respect. Trust comes in many tiny little experiences. Your team deserves your best and yet often gets your worst. Be respectful. Demand that of Yourself.
- Reclaim Your Playfulness, Presence and Passion. We can all get so serious and consumed by our work. Accept the contradiction that that some of you need to WORK at being playful.
- Harness Courage and Embrace Honesty. So often, relationships suffocate because we are hiding in niceness, or making peace. Speaking your truth does not have to be an act of aggression. Done from the heart, it can be an expression of love.
- Uncover and Create Alignment. Work on a project together. Bring your goals together and plan something side by side.
- Live Consciously: Be the example of what you want in the world. So often we focus on the other person and what they should do differently. Just keep being that thing. It works.
The 10 Disciplines of Lasting Passion and Love
- Live the Discipline of Putting the other person first: It is not about what You think or how YOU would act or think.
- Live the Discipline of Loving No Matter What.
- Live the Discipline of Being Yourself: Make the decision to know who you are while you are here on this planet. IF you have gotten swept up into your life and feel lost from this, STOP. Make the time to carve out a few hours to connect with you.
- Live the Discipline of Knowing The Other Person Has Positive Intent: Eliminate Threats and be Conscious of Judgments & Remember the Power of Language. This step changes the landscape of critical conversations. START conversations with an acknowledgement of knowing that no one comes to a relationship to do a bad job or to hurt the other person, you might have radically changed the results you got. (okay, Son of Sam is the exception to that rule.)Try it. It is a game changer.
- Live the Discipline of Giving Freedom: Unleash the Power of Forgiving, Forgetting and Flooding. In this section, there are some deep and powerful discussions on the depths of love that some of us have never known. This section explores the incredible power of committed relationships. The concept of flooding vs stacking is introduced earlier but is emphasized in this section. Many people unconsciously “stack” grievances upon people in their lives. “they do this and then they do that. They did this, they did that, etc. They cram every bad memory into each new moment and conversation. They stack bad decisions and behaviors as a way of protecting. When someone “floods” another person in their life, they actively retain the good memories. Tony and Sage recommend beginning the DISCIPLINE of writing down the jokes, the laughs, and the good memories. This creates a brain habit and a foundation to lean on during harder times. Imagine you are making deposits into the Bank of Good Relations knowing that ALL relationships hit a time when a withdrawal is necessary.
- Live the discipline of Loving the Truth: Experience the Power of Vulnerability. When we express our truth we empower the other person to stand up for us, to be there.
- Live the Discipline of Utilization: Tap into the Power of Higher Meaning and Constant Growth. Let people who work for you and are part of your practice know that you are always growing. It is one of your values.
- Live the Discipline of Gratitude and Giving: Appreciation is the Power. Sometimes Gratitude comes naturally. Many people think of it as a feeling that comes upon them. Gratitude can be cultivated as a habit. Beginning and ending each day with what you are grateful for in your relationships changes the nature of those relationships just with that act.
Tony also talks throughout the series about:
The 6 Basic Human Needs:
- These needs apply to all of us and sometimes we try to meet these needs in unproductive ways. If these needs aren’t known or being met directly, we may seek them out in more destructive or unproductive ways. On Tony’s website, there are many great videos. One of them involves a young girl who has tried to commit suicide. Tony brings her to a conscious awareness of her desire for significance in a way that is profound. These basic human needs are getting played out in our offices, our families and of course, our most intimate relationships. Understanding these needs and meeting them in constructive and conscious ways creates tremendous power.
- Certainty/Comfort. We all want comfort. And much of this comfort comes from certainty. Of course there is no ABSOLUTE certainty, but we want certainty the car will start, the water will flow from the tap when we turn it on and the currency we use will hold its value.
- Variety. At the same time we want certainty, we also crave variety. Paradoxically, there needs to be enough UNcertainty to provide spice and adventure in our lives.
- Significance. Deep down, we all want to be important. We want our life to have meaning and significance. I can imagine no worse a death than to think my life didn’t matter.
- Connection/Love. It would be hard to argue against the need for love. We want to feel part of a community. We want to be cared for and cared about.
- Growth. There could be some people who say they don’t want to grow, but I think they’re simply fearful of doing so–or perhaps NOT doing so. To become better, to improve our skills, to stretch and excel may be more evident in some than others, but it’s there.
- Contribution. The desire to contribute something of value–to help others, to make the world a better place than we found it is in all of us.
Action Point : Evaluate this list to better understand your personal motivations and examine which ones seem the most significant to you. Then, look at what you do to fulfill the needs of others. It will likely make a difference in what and how you do what you do. It also could make a difference in the way you describe and explain what you can do for your patients or practice members.
Five Things You Can Take Away and Implement in Your Life and Practice:
Stacking vs Flooding.
Stop stacking up in your head all the things your team, certain patients, or your spouse have said or done wrong. Start creating a file on the computer called Love and Support and pile in evidence of all the love and support in your life. Look for all the things that are going well with peeps in your office, your team and your life. Start flooding your brain with these.
Carve out time to cultivate your most important relationships.
Your spouse, your team, and yourself. Make it a discipline the way you carve out time for work.
Decide that failure is not an option. What if you loved your practice to that depth?
Change your pronouns.
Many times we have a pronoun problem in our relationships. We say I when we should say we. We say we when we should say I. Take more personal responsibility where you can by saying, “I”. Create more of a team feeling by incorporating “we”.
Don’t wait for it to happen. Make this a personal discipline and a way you look at the world.
Sending you Waves of Strength, Courage AND TOOLS to Create a Life that Blooms,